Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
