I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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