Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I could make wine with my vomit
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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