I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
