Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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