if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
