Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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