this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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