Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
