Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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