2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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