New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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