Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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