Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
