saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Randomize
