why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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