I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
