Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
