Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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