I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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