I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
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I immediately regret the tequila decision.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
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I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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