I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
