i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
