Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
