my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
