Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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