I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
