... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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