I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
