She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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