two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
