My underwear smells like fireworks.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
