Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
