Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
