I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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