I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
