Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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