Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
