I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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