you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
