you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
