Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I understand Curling. That high.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
