This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
