I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
