I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
