The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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