Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
