I will die if light touches me.
I faked an abortion last night.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
