We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
