does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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