false alarm. still invincible.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
