I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
even my farts smell like vagina
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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