god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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