WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
