proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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