I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
