i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
