Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
