So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I supernannyed him into submission
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
